I don't like parts of myself

I really don’t like the more guarded and serious parts of myself. It feels like that side of me is stuck in a perpetual holding pattern, often circling around with multitudinous thoughts and feelings that never quite find a place to land.

This part is a perfectionist who knows how deeply flawed she is. She struggles to express anything and can come across as measured and fairly even. She’s self-conscious and doesn’t like to take risks. She doesn’t like when the focus is on her. She wants to blend in and often feels a lot of pressure because she knows she is not who others expect her to be. She is over-controlling of herself and is terrified of strong emotion. She says she “doesn’t know” when she is overwhelmed or filled with self-doubt. She’s overwhelmed and filled with self-doubt often.

She tends to think about feelings instead of feeling feelings. This part thinks that she is protecting. What she is doing is helping to avoid an extreme range of emotion – out of a wish to never be like my dad. She’s aware of the paradoxical nature of her behaviour … a limited ability to express emotions also draws some parallels in her mind. She wants to change and doesn’t know how.