Am I Gifted?

Until last year, I had absolutely no idea that I was gifted. I was noticing personality traits, behaviours and natural abilities in my daughter that made it clear that she was potentially gifted, but I had a massive blind spot when it came to my own giftedness. Fortunately for me, the psychologist I have been supported by on and off for many years for past trauma issues also happens to have a wealth of knowledge on giftedness.  When we first started discussing this topic of 'giftedness' my therapist asked if my daughter reminded me of anyone in my family. Despite the constant comments I've received her entire life about how she's exactly like me, my mind instantly went to one of my brothers: "Oh yeah, my brother's highly intelligent, challenging, etc!"

As I was peeling away the denial, this is part of what I sent my therapist: 

What you said about compliance and flexibility as an adaptive trait has helped a lot. I looked up gifted adults who reject the idea that they are gifted and I found an analogy (by Stephanie S. Tolan) that also feels helpful about dots and spaces: how we tend to see our own deficits (spaces) but others’ gifts (dots) because we take our own dots for granted. The explanation is that the combination of focusing on one’s spaces, while taking one’s dots for granted… and valuing other people’s dots more highly can lead to feeling inadequate or inferior.  There’s something about that perspective that has helped it to feel a little clearer for me; it’s not that I can’t see that there are dots, it’s just that I can see all the spaces and the feeling was that maybe they make the dots not as valid or real.

I think that may have been the real turning point in accepting that I am gifted. Of course I've always taken my own abilities for granted, that's all I've ever known! I felt really self-conscious talking about my abilities or achievements (I still do!), but all the 'negatives' that come with being gifted were fairly easy to claim. I've always known that I'm a perfectionist, which can work both for and against me... I used to explain that away as an adaptive trait I'd developed due to my traumatic upbringing, but now I see it's possibly a mix of both 'nature' and 'nurture' (or lack thereof!).  I have very high expectations of myself and I don't take failure very well. I'm a high-achiever, which can be explained away by the perfectionism and also a desire to people-please. I suppose that breezing through school as a straight A student without ever needing to really try should have told me something, but I honestly never considered my experience was any different to other straight A students. I also went to school in a fairly rough area, and I figured the bar was set pretty low. I was in extension programs but I often felt like I didn't really belong there.

Like my daughter, I was also a self-taught fluent reader before any formal schooling. I only had one day of kindergarten before they moved me to first grade. I remember being sorely disappointed that I didn't get to play all day anymore! I was very compliant at school, it was always my safe place. I do remember being told that I talked too much and that I should let my friends learn. I went to quite a few primary (elementary) schools. By the time I was 9 I had lived in as many houses. I think there was only ever one teacher that I really questioned. She wanted us to make posters about the Kosovo war, but they weren't even going to be on display anywhere. I remember being completely disheartened. What was the point of knowing about these awful things going on in the world if we weren't even going to try to do something about it? I told her she was wasting my time. Yeah, that did not end well!

I kept some of my high school reports so that when I was having 'all or nothing' moments where I felt negatively about myself I could look back on them for opposing 'evidence'.  Out of curiosity, I took them out and looked through with a different lens.  Some of the questions I had: How intelligent can someone really be if they don’t even realise they are!? If I had been a moderately gifted student wouldn’t I know? Why did no one tell me? Or is that what they were sort of saying in the reports, but I just wasn’t able to hear it? 

In high school I always felt like I was a bit of a fraud, pretending to be someone I wasn't. I had close to no self-esteem, but I acted like I was confident and self-assured. I had an opinion about everything and I wasn't afraid to share it. I was in drama and music productions, my art was displayed in exhibitions, I represented the school in sporting and debating teams. All those things were effortless, but they never really filled the hole. I was never enough. I felt like I was different to others, like I didn't belong. I believed that if anyone ever really knew me they would realise that I was fake; that I was fooling them into believing I was better than I really was. I remember at one end of year award ceremony I received 8 awards. Instead of a feeling of pride or any sense of achievement I remember thinking, "Why are you doing this to me?" I hadn't EARNED any of those awards! Afterwards, one of my closest friends commented that he had no idea I was smart. It turned into a bit of a joke, but it stuck with me. I realised that even those closest to me had no idea who I really was.

I think one of the things I have found challenging since this question of giftedness came up is that I'd always believed I was quite self-aware and reflective; I'm always thinking, analysing, reflecting. So to sit with new knowledge about myself calls into question all the perceptions and beliefs I have about who I am. If I didn't know I was gifted, what else don't I know? 

Anyway, I found a scanned copy of a pencil sketch I drew about 12 years ago. At the time, it was a way of trying to represent what I wished for in life: healing and balance, an ability to find peace and acceptance of who I am and where I've been.  To be able to "sit with" the reality of painful experiences without the intensity or power to hurt me in my present life. Although I'm spending quite a bit of energy and time digging around in my past lately, I feel like I am closer than ever to this goal. Sure, some unresolved emotions still come back with an intensity... but it's not all there is anymore. It's not the "whole" and it can't take away all of the blessings and gratitude I have in my life today. 

There's a song lyric that I like by Imagine Dragons that feels like a fitting way to end this post:

"I'm an apostrophe, I'm just a symbol to remind you that there's more to see." 

"Healing Balance"